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ISO: Inspiration

November 7th, 2010

Have you ever taken a moment to really think about what moves you? What gives you inspiration? What fills your life with meaning and purpose?

I think about these sorts of things all the time, and for a very long time in my life I had nothing. There was a period where my photography was what I lived for – it inspired and moved me to no end and made me ridiculously happy. For some reason (I still don’t know why) I completely lost interest; although I still take photos, I just do not feel the same about it as I used to.

When I chose to travel I hoped that traveling would fill me with a sense of well-being, meaning and purpose. Traveling and experiencing new things definitely provided me with a sense of freedom and moving around satiated my desire to really experience life, but it was not enough, of course. In moments of loneliness, which happened now and again since I was, after all, traveling alone, I turned to my old friend:  Music.

I’ve long had a lasting love affair with music, particularly drum-n-bass and more recently, dubstep. While I was in London I was completely spoiled by the music scene. DnB was born in the UK and in London there were fabulous parties practically every night – I went to as many as I possibly could while I was there. The DnB scene in London is amazing – it’s so vibrant and radiant. The music is, of course, mind-blowingly amazing each and every time; there are never any disappointments in London.

However, I find myself back in San Francisco where there is a DnB/Dubstep scene but it’s miniscule compared to the London scene. There are maybe a few parties every month and honestly they’re hit or miss. Mostly miss. I’ve been sorely disappointed since I’ve been back here, and it breaks my heart.

Going out and dancing a few times a week had kept me in such a buoyant, happy mood whilst I was in London. Dancing, getting the endorphins flowing through my blood and the dopamine surging through my brain and feeling the heavy bass rock me to my core, massaging my soul: these are the things that make me feel alive.

Now I’m back in San Francisco, where, as I said, the scene is mostly a miss and a total scene. (Meaning, people that go out are scensters and not really there because they love the music.) It’s a sad, sorry affair, really and I feel total letdown.

I’ve already gotten a new job (yes, that was quick, I know! I’ve been back less than two weeks and I’ve already secured work!), and I start tomorrow morning. Reality is literally hitting me like a ton of bricks. Reality could be more bearable if I had some dancing and good music to look forward to but there’s nothing. Zilch. Zero.

I honestly do not know what to do. I do not know where to find my happy place. Yes, I’ve got tons of good music loaded on my iPod and I’ve got a great set of speakers at home to play my music. But going out, dancing, feeling the bass vibrating my core through a great sound system, being one person in a sea of DnB enthusiasts… this is really what inspires me and makes me feel so good. This has been my thing since the 1990’s when I first started partying. What will I do now that I don’t have access to that?

I suppose this is a bit of culture shock, as a good friend suggested. I know it’s hard to come back to a place you really don’t want to be, because you didn’t have a choice. I’m trying so hard to adjust and remain happy, positive and buoyant. The past two weeks I feel like I’ve remained in a happy state, but right now reality is crushing me. I’m just wondering what I am going to do to keep myself afloat. I’m wondering how I will be ok. I question what my inspiration will be; what will fill me with marvel and awe. I need a reason, a purpose; I need meaning.

Most people find this feeling of purpose through romantic love and/or religion. Religion is definitely not for me (I’m an atheist) and I have no love in my life (and given up hope on finding it). So… what will it be? I am fully in love with music, I just want a place to go to express my love and keep me afloat.

London! I miss you!

(Take a listen to a track that’s making me happy right now: Innocence by Nero)

4 Responses to “ISO: Inspiration”

  1. I am gonna go steppin’ with you as soon as finals are OVER!!!

  2. Morgan says:

    I’m so glad you have something to hold on to that makes you happy. Have you thought about organizing a dub step party in SF? Maybe they just don’t know how to do it and need some help…

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