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how to seduce a lady (an open letter to Conan, the barbarian kitty)

September 28th, 2010

Dearest Conan:

Conan sits on my lap, purring, while i read a book one rainy afternoon in Scotland

Oh, my love! When we were first becoming acquainted, you acted as though you did not like me at all; I realize now that you were playing coy to win my attentions. You refused to allow me to touch you; you would prance away at any sign of affection coming from me. But after you watched me closely for a few days, you let me into your heart. O, Happy Days!

I remember the first day we spent together: your head on my lap while I stroked behind your ears tenderly. Those were warm, special moments and I could tell just how much you loved my keen attention to your soft spots from your rather loud purring. After that, Conan, we became inseparable. I remember you nudging your way into my room and spending the night with me. In the morning you pushed my arm aside and made a snug little spot between my chest and arm, purring and nudging me for a tighter fit. You really know how to make the ladies fall for you, Conan. Yes, you do!

After that special night, you started bringing me gifts. The first gift was found as I was going to take my shower. I saw a pile of bloodied bird feathers and guts in the shower. I shrieked with surprise; I was appalled! You stood by with what I believe to be a sly smile on your kitty face, assuming I was happy about your gift. I gingerly cleaned up the gift you left for me and admonished you not to do it again.

Not more than a week later, another gift was waiting for me in the shower. This time it was a mouse with its guts splayed all over, almost all intact. You shock my sensibilities, Conan. What makes you think that a lady desires such gifts? A few days later I found a small bodily organ in the shower, what I believe to be the heart of some small creature. Does this mean you’re giving me your heart, Conan? Is that what you’re trying to communicate?

The other morning, I awoke before the sun and made my way down to the shower. I noticed something right outside my room, in the alcove; it seemed to be a dark mass. I turned on the hall light to get a better look, and what should it be but another gift from you, Conan. It was a small bird; feathers artfully decorating the carpet, its tiny head placed perfectly facing my room, as though watching me.

Conan sits at the kitchen door, welcoming the morning

Conan, I love you, I really do. We share special moments together. I love it when you jump onto my bed while I’m using my laptop, and curl up on my lap; your head in the crook of my arm while I type rapidly. I love it when you nudge my leg with your gorgeous little soft, brown head, and reach up for me with your front paws. I love it when you dig your claws into me as I pet you, purring all the while. I enjoy the way your sandpapery tongue feels as you lick my fingers while I pet you. I really do adore you, Conan, but the gifts have got to stop.

Conan, allow me to let you in on a secret. Women adore gifts, but they want a specific type of gift. Feel free to leave flowers outside my door, Conan, instead of dead birds. I encourage you to surprise me with boxes of fancy truffles in the bathroom, instead of the remains of a mouse. Conan, I implore of you, please, when you are trying to get a lady to fall for your charms, consider the presents you’re giving her.

I still love you, despite your choice of gifts. Luckily you are beautiful enough for me to overlook your dreadful choice in love offerings. I just wanted to give you some advice for the next lady you try to seduce.

With Love,


5 Responses to “how to seduce a lady (an open letter to Conan, the barbarian kitty)”

  1. Michaiah says:

    Awww! This reminds me of myself and Kitty. Only instead of leaving me gifts, he trips me down the stairs. Or claws and bites my hands and arms whenever I dare to pet him below his neck…Hmmm, I guess it’s not all that similar is it. LOL

  2. “A few days later I found a small bodily organ in the shower, what I believe to be the heart of some small creature. Does this mean you’re giving me your heart, Conan? Is that what you’re trying to communicate?”

    This is hilarious! Sounds somewhat van Gogh-ish to me. :D

  3. rachel says:

    Such a cute post…it tickled me rosey. i think i might have a soft spot for conan, lol! ~xoxo

  4. morgan says:

    wow, conan leaves the animals for you…intact?! he must adore you nay, because he leaves all the yummy goodies for you ;] the tomcat i knew in my childhood would hunt and leave what must have been gifts at our doorstep as well, although he was either starving or greedy because all we ever found were beaks and feet.
    he’s a lovely guy, and seems to find your attentions “good enough”. he is a cat, after all.

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